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'Don't Worry, I Can Fix It' Yeah, Right
What is it that drives men to fix?
Even as a small boy, I remember well my father’s response
to my mother’s most often spoken statement, “Dear, this
darn thing won’t work any more…I think it’s broken.”
His reply, which didn’t seem to require actual sensory perception
of the object, or even knowledge as to what it was, inevitably was,
“Don’t worry, I can fix it.”
Being a prosthodontist, his occupational skill was to repair or
replace missing teeth and gums for geriatrics who otherwise had
to eat their steak in daiquiri form. As a result, there was always
an abundance of what my family simply referred to as “denture
material.”
It was usually pink, and it was everywhere. Upon close inspection,
one could make out tiny oral blood vessels coursing through the
knobs of saucepan lids, broken screwdriver handles, door lock thingies
on the truck, appliance switches and even shotgun stock alterations.
Anything or any part of anything that was made of plastic, a metal
or wood, could be repaired with that stuff. And my dad could fix
it. To this day, when asked by inquisitive neighbors, “How’d
you fix that?” a denture grin is usually followed by, “Denture
material.”
As I grew up in this, “Don’t throw it away, I can fix
it,” atmosphere, I discovered amongst my friends and acquaintances
that there are basically three kinds of men. Those who can fix absolutely
anything – to whom other men will bow; those who couldn’t
fix a gin and tonic; and most common of all, men who think they
can fix anything – who after hours of frustrated cussing and
super-glued fingers, inevitably worsen, or in a fit of rage, smash
that which was repairable.
Although I’m not quite certain where women fit into this “fix
it” urge, I’m inclined to think it’s a testosterone
thing. Women utilize this primal, male “I can fix it”
momentum to somersault their men into ego-euphoria. Thereby, not
only getting many tasks accomplished, but earning many “ego-chips”
as well, to be cashed in at a later date. I would guess that even
female mechanical engineers balk at minor door hinge repairs to
capitalize on a guy’s desire to wield his might screwdriver
and save the fair maiden. Men can be so clueless.
Unlike my father – who can fix anything – I will attempt
to fix anything, succeeding only about half of the time. For every
incredibly brilliant repair, there is an equally incredible failure
– such as a shelf load of books plummeting to the floor, a
completely reassembled motorcycle with one rubber piece left over,
or a girl’s car stereo installation that now sounds like rustled
cellophane; she did save 30 bucks however.
As any “fixer” knows, a failure is not just a failure,
but also a great way to learn what not to do next time – like
remembering to securely fasten the ceiling fan to the ceiling, or
making sure you removed all the tools from under your hood before
driving off.
In addition, much joy comes from a situation repeating itself that
you completely botched the first time before. With any luck, the
onlookers will be new ones, oblivious to previous pandemonium. They’re
always so mistakenly impressed. The only problem with this brand
of adulation is that often, because the repair attempt was so ridiculously
stupid in the first place, you never get another chance to redeem
yourself.
I once took a girl, her visiting brother and his friend night-sailing
in the dead of winter on a windy lake. They were awed by my navigational
skills. Basically, when the land starts looking bigger, I turn the
boat.
We were drinking ice cold beer “stealth-sailing” in
total darkness – due to earlier electrical wiring repairs
– and were a tad chilly … okay, frostbitten. I decided
to dazzle them further and rig the gas stove to not only light the
cabin but heat it as well. After the fire – you could see
it from the shore – I knew that my pale, shivering, saucer-eyed
friends would never give me the chance to prove what an idiot I
wasn’t.
The saddest fixer of all, however, is the one who won’t. These
are the individuals who love duct tape and they are extremely easy
to spot. Scotch tape, masking tape, duct tape and staples are used
to repair almost everything. Although that gray tape is possibly
the greatest invention of the century, it was never meant to hold
a windshield on a car or a leg to a table. Disaster is eminent.
The other tool for the non-fixer is the hammer. If something is
not working properly, just beat it a few times and presto, no repairman
is necessary. This method is particularly effective on Nintendos,
alternators and even this compu t er whi c h is nO t w#rking pr@p
erly. I’ll be;; r ight baa ck … *********
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